I respect the frugality of Asian upbringing, but sometimes I really resent it.

I make quite a lot of money for a fresh graduate. I can support a family with this income, but fortunately for now, no unforeseen pregnancies or surprise adoptions have forced me to do so. However, no matter how much money I make, I live like I’m near the poverty line. It’s ridiculous how reluctant I am to spend money on myself, or even get the non-generic brand of cereal just because it’s a couple cents more expensive. I’m scrimping on cash and counting every penny I spend in a budget to watch how I do. Though I do allow a small amount for some indulgences like clothes, for the most part all my parents ever seem to remind me about is that eating out is expensive and that I should put forth the effort to cook for myself.

Honestly, I’m about to starve to death because I’m sick of what I make, and I don’t have the energy at the right times to make something good for myself.

I should have a lot of spare cash, but it seems to be a mandate to pay off my car and school tuition in a year. That puts a lot of strain on me to watch every penny. Unnecessary strain. In addition, I’m saving up for future schooling (which I think is ridiculous because I’ll be drowning in so much debt that whatever I save up will be utterly INSIGNIFICANT), and also putting some into investments which hopefully will have me being a millionaire by the time I retire.

See the problem here? This upbringing stresses saving for the future, but there’s not much to live for now as it is. Is there ever a time where I can distance myself from the stress of money? I think that’s why a lot of low-income families are able to be so happy; they just don’t think about or worry about money. Can’t pay the rent? It’s okay there’s beer in the fridge. Money can’t buy you happiness? Yeah, it sure won’t when your happiness is so remote in the future that it doesn’t really exist to you now. I always wonder if I die today, what would I think about my life? Pretty sure I won’t be happy with the way I live, but I’m obedient to my parents who raised me and I am indebted to them in a way that most people don’t seem to understand. What am I going to do? So be it.

I am so annoyed right now. The apartment is messy too which also annoys me, and it takes a lot of messiness to annoy me since I am far from a neat freak. If I was living alone I wouldn’t mind so much since I would know that I made the messes myself.

I should be more grateful. Why is it so hard to be?!