When you wrote those words, I felt myself wonder what things would have been like if you actually said them. You wouldn’t ever even jokingly admit to loving me. You thought it was weird. Those overdone words that mean nothing to everyone meant more to me than the world. Back in those days, when you were every second of my waking thought, I’ve waited for you to say them. You never did. And as time went by, I thought I knew for sure that you would never love me.

With the distance, and the majority of our time being apart, the thread that held us between rare visits was a load of arguments, halfhearted conversations, and tear-soaked sheets from wondering what would happen to us. I wanted to be with you. It’s so rare to find a connection like this. I still remember those nights we could talk until the sun rose, and the times we had together before you left the state. Throughout our relationship, I have never been more depressed. I have never been more happy either. But happiness is short-lived. As we said goodbye each time, the same thing would happen. Tear-soaked sheets, halfhearted conversations, wondering what we were doing and when you would ever realize how much I loved you.

I wonder if you could even fathom how much you hurt me. Or else why would you have continued the way you did?

When I left for work, I kept thinking of how this would continue. In my mind, there were things that were inherently broken about us that couldn’t be fixed unless we were together for good. How would we see each other or grow together? I could count the days we spend together on one hand. And for what? Someone who wouldn’t refer to me as his girlfriend?

To tell the truth, this last week has been when I’ve felt more emotionally stable than I have been in a long, long time. I still cried when you talked to me, but for once, I felt like I could actually focus on my own life rather than spend all my effort trying to make a relationship work. It felt incredibly liberating. I missed you, I was sad, I wanted to talk to you again, and I tried very hard not to do it. It was difficult, but it was a weight lifted from my spirit.

You say you loved me, but you should know that you took me for granted for far too long. If there was no intervention, we would still be in the same point of complication. I’ve taken out my anger and bitterness on you in such hateful ways before. But this time, it’s not because of sheer spite. I need to put myself first. I can’t afford to ruin my own future for ours. You can say it’s excuses not to continue a relationship, and that if I really wanted it, I would make it work. But even saying “I love you” and telling the whole world I’m yours is not going to repair everything. We have far too much damage from the past to reconcile by seeing each other a few days a month, and I’m not willing to exhaust myself on it.

We had a connection that I never thought I’d find in anyone, and I’m thankful for you. There’s also nobody else who could possibly make me suffer so much for so long. When you lose someone you finally realize how much they were worth to you and it makes you love them more. You finally realize what I meant to you and I finally think I can let go of all the bitterness I have felt for you. I finally feel like I am ready to forgive you. We had wonderful times together despite it all. I miss those days, and I miss you. I’m sorry. It’s a shame that we were such a mess and are so far apart still. I desperately want us to have a fair shot at this, but until then, this is for the best. I love you.